A Top Hat
Image by Tom Simpson
Meanwhile, Sara of the House Attini, First of Her Name, Queen of the Pheidoles, Lady of the Seven Hills and Protector of the Realm was visiting the granary to inspect the stores. A recent drought made finding food very challenging. Just a few hours ago she had sent sixty thousand of her sons to scout a nearby house for food. She prayed to the Great Talpidae that they would be successful.
Ajnamasa could tell that this is where the humans kept their food. He imagined that this is what a French bakery smelled like. He remembered the wonderful crumbs of a baguette he ate when he was still too small to reach the ration dispenser. A giant bell ringed. Ajnamasa found a piece of chicken on the floor. While he was enjoying his barbecue chicken, he heard footsteps behind him. He turned around to see a a large man in a white uniform. There was a red diamond on his shirt with white lettering that said something. Ajnamasa squinted to make out "O... R... K... I... ... ..." He was suddenly very tired. His eyelids drooped and he fell asleep.
It had been three days since Queen Sara had sent the scouts and there had been no news so far. She decided that it was time to send her granddaughter Nashua to discover where her uncles had disappeared to. Two hours later, Nashua returned with a load of food and the bad news. "They have all perished. I looked for water to make the oblations which would send their souls to heaven, but there was none." Queen Sara sunk to the ground in grief. At least they found enough food to feed the kingdom.
The only way to send Queen Sara's sixty thousand sons to heaven was to bring the waters of the nearby River Angga to where they lay. Sara ordered an enormous tunnel to be built to divert the water into the house. Thirty thousand nights of Sara's reign came and went. The Tunnel was still unfinished. Nashua was crowned as queen and continued the project, but thirty-two thousand nights passed in her reign. The Tunnel was still unfinished. Pilida was crowned. Thirty thousand nights came and went. The Tunnel was still unfinished.
The River Angga
Image by amitd
After Pilida's death, Aarabhi was crowned. Queen Aarabhi directed half of her subjects to work on the wall while the other half devoted themselves to adorning the Great Talpidae with gifts. Now Talpidae was very pleased. He had followed the progress of the Tunnel since its inception, and he decided now was his time to help. With his mighty claws, Talpidae flew forward through the dirt until he arrived at the River Angga. The torrent rushed through the Tunnel and into the house where it washed over the remains of Queen Sara's sixty thousand sons, and their souls ascended to heaven.
The Great Talpidae
Image from Wikipedia
Author's Note: I wanted to retell the story of Bhagiratha and Ganga because I find the genealogy absolutely fascinating. I felt that ants could relate to having sixty thousand children, so I decided to tell the story through their point of view. It also made sense that, in order to redirect the flow of a river, ants would attempt to dig a tunnel. Most of the names that I used were partial anagrams from the original story or actual scientific categories of real animals.
Bibliography:
Carey, I have to say this is a pretty inspired take on the story of Bhagiratha and Ganga. Your prose was clear and descriptive, and the use of the taxonomic terms for certain things (I'm guessing Talpidae means mole?) was really fun and creative. You did an excellent job at taking the story and really making it your own. All in all, a very good read.
ReplyDeleteCarey, what a cool retelling of this story! There was some really good humor throughout your story, especially when talking about which hats crickets are usually seen wearing. One thing I'd suggest is varying your sentence length, so the rhythm of the story doesn't get too repetitive, especially since your subject matter was so creative. It's brilliant to use ants as your main character, instead of humans! That's a take on retelling a story I hadn't seen often while I was searching to find a story to give feedback on.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you portrayed the passage of time, with new queens being crowned every thirty thousand nights or so. The repetition you had here worked really well, since it made a rhythm of the tireless work the ants were doing. I was thoroughly relieved when the mole showed up, and fortunately it didn't come off as a deus ex machina at all, so well done!
Carey, what a cool retelling of this story! There was some really good humor throughout your story, especially when talking about which hats crickets are usually seen wearing. One thing I'd suggest is varying your sentence length, so the rhythm of the story doesn't get too repetitive, especially since your subject matter was so creative. It's brilliant to use ants as your main character, instead of humans! That's a take on retelling a story I hadn't seen often while I was searching to find a story to give feedback on.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you portrayed the passage of time, with new queens being crowned every thirty thousand nights or so. The repetition you had here worked really well, since it made a rhythm of the tireless work the ants were doing. I was thoroughly relieved when the mole showed up, and fortunately it didn't come off as a deus ex machina at all, so well done!
I enjoyed reading the rendition on the story. I think that the humor involved added to the story. The animals that were assigned to the story made sense to the original characters. The amount of dialogue was good it gave the characters depth. Overall the story flowed very well especially between paragraphs and sections of the story. The first part of the story could have been omitted it may have helped with the tone of the story.
ReplyDeleteCarey, you are so creative and thoughtful of your portrayal of Aarabhi and Angga! I loved all of the pictures that you included to help tell your story. We are only required to put one picture in our posts, but I think it is especially important that you included three pictures! Pictures explain a lot about a story because sometimes words are simply not enough. I love this about your story! You really use pictures to enhance the tone of your writing because they are all different. I also like how you spaced your paragraphs in the story. The text is easy to read and the story is broken up into perfect little sections. Almost like their own little chapters! You build the drama and the suspense up quite nicely in the beginning and you gradually go back and forth between the heightened plotline and the subtler, mild plot of the story! Overall, excellent job! I look forward to reading more of your writing in the future!
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